The Autumn of Our Virility
by WinterOfOurDiscontent
Summary: In the throes of a Midlife Crisis, Gai decides he must help Kakashi find that Special Someone. No good can come of this. Eventual KakaIru, some shounen ai with het sprinkles.
1. Vows

Disclaimer: Characters and setting are the property of Masashi Kishimoto. Plot, bad jokes, and any spare change are the property of this fanfic author.

* * *

Gai was actually late to their meeting today.

This fact disturbed Kakashi on some deep and fundamental level. Because if Gai was late, did that mean…. Kakashi was early? No, no… he was still late, he'd made sure of that… he was just less late than Gai.

He could deal with being less late than Gai. It was the thought of actually being early… however unintentionally… that sent an icy shiver down his spine.

Still, it was strange of Gai to be late. Usually Konoha's Green Beast prided himself on being places slightly early, the better to make a needlessly impressive entrance. He'd better not have decided to out-late Kakashi. It was all well and good to have an eternal rival, but some things were sacred.

Ah well. Back to his porn. His beautiful, lovely, wonderful little orange book of untold delights. Where he'd just gotten to the good bit, where they finally (after twenty pages of what could loosely be called plot) suddenly started flinging their clothing….

"Ah, my eternal rival!"

Figures.

Kakashi looked up from his book and then down from his perch to stare dolefully at his green-clad friend.

"Yo."

"Kakashi-sensei, today you are early! Truly, this is a day of great and multitudinous significance!" Hm. Gai wasn't smiling. Instead, his countenance overflowed with earnestness.

And Kakashi Was Not Early.

He shoved the book in his back pocket, made a hand seal, and reappeared on the ground a second later facing Gai. "What's up?"

"Earlier, when performing my daily ablutions, I was astonished to discover THIS." Gai's hand shot out, forcing Kakashi to take a half step back to avoid being hit. Between his thumb and index finger dangled… a grey hair?

Kakashi stared at it. Then he carefully tipped his hitae-ate up, and stared at it some more with his Sharingan. Yep, still a grey hair. Now he was really confused. Even by "I'm interacting with a man who thinks that green goes with orange" standards.

"It's a grey hair." He said, slipping his hitae-ate back into place.

"In your hip and succinct manner, you have hit the nail on the head."

Kakashi continued staring at Gai, waiting for the bit where he made sense.

"I see you are as astonished as I. Are we not in the very Springtime of our Youth? And yet… this grey hair showed me how time has moved like the swiftest jutsu. Strange as it may seem, I fear we are now in the Autumn of our Virility!"

…still waiting…

"The time has come for us to renounce our wild, bachelor ways and find the special someone with which we shall spend our Autumnal days! And perhaps even to have offspring whom we shall raise as the next flower of Konoha youth!"

Kakashi was so busy trying not to picture Gai having any sort of wild, bachelor ways that the latter part of that statement took a minute to register.

"You're suggesting we both get married."

"Truly, my rival, your ability to think as quickly and clearly as I does you credit. But I see, as your mind travels the path mine has already tread, that your face clearly displays concern. Fear not! I have already foreseen your dilemma, and have solved it."

Actually, Kakashi's main current dilemma was that the mad ravings of this lunatic were preventing him from reading the good part of Icha Icha. The life of a ninja was indeed a cruel one. But before he could suggest that the fumes from Gai's hair oil had finally and inevitably overwhelmed his brain, Gai continued.

"For while I, as Konoha's Virile Green Beast, shall have no trouble finding some beautiful and virtuous maiden with which to share my life… you are… ah, we have known each other too long for me to need to mince words…. shy. And I see you already fear being left alone while I head into the sunset of domesticity."

"But fear not! For are you not my rival, and my friend? And so, I have sworn I shall not join myself with another until I have found you your special someone!"

Hm. To be confused by Gai's claim of irresistibility, insulted by Gai's suggestion that he was shy, or… he finally settled on being terrified by Gai's offer of help.

"Gai-sensei, really, that won't be necessary."

"No, I insist. I have already sworn a vow in front of my team to this effect!"

Shit. If Gai had announced to his team, made of three impressionable genins, that he would not rest until he'd found Kakashi someone… because Kakashi was shy and unable to find his special someone on his own…

Kakashi gave it ten minutes before every other genin team knew, twenty before every other jounin knew, and by this evening, every person in Konoha would probably know about Gai's vow.

It was at that moment Kakashi seriously began considering the benefits and drawbacks of life as a missing nin. (Benefits: very flexible scheduling, no wardrobe restrictions. Drawbacks: Loss of dental, chance of being hunted down and killed by team of Anbu.)

"To this end, I have decided to cancel tonight's competition and begin immediately! I know you will be disappointed by this, after you were so enthusiastic as to arrive prior to me. However, your head of grey hair indicates that I must proceed with all possible haste!"

And before Kakashi could explain that he'd always had this hair colour, and that it wasn't grey, dammit, it was SILVER, and by the way He Hadn't Been Early, but Gai had already run off, yelling something about Autumn and … Posters?

Years of experience in life or death situations had warning bells going off in Kakashi's head. This was Not Going To Be Good.

_To Be Continued..._

* * *

_This chapter is dedicated to Kiki, who likes Gai as much as I like to write him._


	2. Posters

The next day began innocently enough. In retrospect, Kakashi decided, it had all the ominousness of a clear sky right before the thunderstorm blows in, but at the time it had just seemed like a nice morning.

Well, okay, perhaps not "morning" so much as "early afternoon." Okay, "late afternoon." That is to say... there were not yet visible stars. After his experience yesterday, Kakashi had felt compelled to be a bit later than usual for his appointment with Team Seven. They'd probably whine a bit, of course. Kids that age are so sensitive about everything.

"Yo," he said, appearing in a puff of smoke atop a pillar of the bridge. He'd taken care to have his book out and open prior to teleporting, because while he didn't believe in Gai-style arrivals, all thumbs and blinding smiles, he did respect making a good entrance.

"I was on my way here when the octopus I'd packed for lunch attacked me. I managed to make it out alive, but the rest of the lunch was lost."

Somewhere, crickets chirped and cicadas hummed.

Kakashi glanced at his students, surprised. Where was the yelling? It was practically dinnertime. Instead… Sakura was looking at him with sort of a far-off expression, blushing slightly. Naruto was staring at him as though he'd never really seen his sensei before. Which, what with the mask and all, was sort of true, but still… Sasuke at least looked normal. By Uchiha "I have vowed to kill my brother and only then will I avenge my clan and regain the use of my facial muscles" Sasuke standards.

Kakashi very slowly put the book in his back pocket, careful not to make any sudden movements. The odds that his team had been killed and their places taken by enemy nin was still small, but best to err on the side of caution.

As he did, he noticed out of the corner of his eye as Sakura hurriedly shoved something pink into her back pouch.

He breathed a gentle sigh of relief through the mask. His team was really his team. Only a genin would attempt to hide something by shoving it behind their back. No ninjutsu, no strategy, just praying no one noticed as you acted like you were still in school, passing a note to your friend.

His team was composed of idiots. But they were **his** idiots.

Which meant that he should probably teach Sakura a lesson about proper concealment techniques.

He smiled. "Sakura-chan! Good job! I see you've already figured out that tonight's mission will be litter control. And you've already started on it." And because he was, after all, a jounin, it was no problem to appear behind her and grab the item out of her pouch. Sometimes, it was very cool to be him.

The item in question turned out to be a piece of paper. It was pink. It was folded up and somewhat the worse for wear at the corners. It was…

Oh gods.

It _was_.

He was going to _kill_ Gai. Or himself. Or (with a mental nod of acknowledgement to Uchiha Itachi) the whole village, because they might have _seen_ this.

A personal ad. For him.

If he hadn't already made a point of covering his face, he'd have vowed then and there to never show it again.

And the damned crickets were still chirping.

"Alright, your assignment for tonight is to find and destroy every single one of these posters."

Maybe it wasn't as bad as it seemed. After all, could pink posters really undo the over a decade of effort he'd put into being known as a lazy, unreliable bugger? Years of arriving late to things or not at all, visible indifference… and then there was the porn. He didn't just read porn in public because he enjoyed it.

Okay, he _mostly_ read porn in public because he enjoyed it. Still.

Because he didn't want people relying on him. They could for missions, of course, he'd do his damndest to complete a mission and bring back his whole team as unhurt as could be managed. But to be relied on for anything else… he didn't want that. Didn't want that kind of responsibility.

But when not doing things meant people weren't hurt because they hadn't expected you to remember, because you were _Hatake Kakashi_ and everyone knew that was just how you were… that was _safe_.

And now Gai and his stupid vow and pink posters were threatening that.

But… it wasn't as though the whole village was suddenly going to start chasing him, right? Just because this was Konoha, the village where all girls under the age of fourteen had the hots for Uchiha Sasuke, the poster child for short, dark, and needlessly angst-ridden, didn't mean the older villagers were suddenly going to decide that under the (literal and metaphorical) mask of Hatake Kakashi's lazy, perverted façade lurked a shy, gentle shinobi just waiting for the right person to bring him out.

Right?

* * *

"…an' then he gets this weird look on his face, and tells us we gotta find and destroy all the posters in the village." Naruto explained, before turning away from the far less important task of telling the story to the far greater one of finishing his second bowl of miso ramen.

"Posters?" Iruka asked.

"Yeah." _Sluuurp. _"Fuzzy brows says they're 'cause Kakashi-sensei's shy and so Gai-sensei's helping him find a date, and Sakura-chan says it's _romantic,_" a slight shudder showed what Naruto thought of that particular interpretation, "but I figure it's just 'cause he reads porn all the time and he's _old_."

"Naruto, Kakashi-sensei isn't that much older than I am." Iruka observed. "Do you think I'm old?"

Iruka didn't feel that obligated to defend Kakashi personally, he hardly knew the guy. But as someone who hadn't had a date in… an amount of time he refused to quantify… he could sympathise. A little.

Naruto looked over at him, surprised, with what appeared to be at least half a bowl of noodles dangling out of his mouth. _Sluurp_, and it was gone. "You're not old, you're just…. dunno... you're _Iruka-sensei_."

"Ageless, huh? Like the Hokage mountain?" Iruka replied, reaching over to ruffle Naruto's hair. "You have any of these infamous posters left?"

"Uhm…" Naruto looked thoughtful. Or catatonic, the two expressions were rather close. "Yeah. 'cause I was grabbing a bunch but Sasuke-bastard said to give them to him so he could fire-jutsu them and I said he was just showing off and I'd take care of 'em myself. And then I remembered you were gonna take me out for ramen and I forgot." He grinned, then reached around to pull something pink out of his back pouch. "Here ya go."

It was… very pink. And definitely the work of Maito Gai.

Okay, Iruka could definitely feel sorry for Hataka Kakashi. And would. Just as soon as he stopped laughing.

_To be continued…_

* * *

As many of you are aware, fanfiction dot net no longer allows responses to reviewers in our chapters. But please know that even if I no longer get to mention everyone by name, your feedback means the world to me. So please, if the spirit moves you, keep reviewing. I was really blown away by the positive response to the start of this fic. Thank you!

This chapter is in honour of Kakashi's birthday, 15 September. I'm hoping to have the next chapter out well in advance of Iruka's. Kidding. Mostly.

It is also dedicated to BiteTheHandThatFeeds, who in addition to being a damn good writer helped me through the writer's block on the second half of this chapter.


	3. Love Notes

It is a well-known fact among the residents of hidden villages that ninja do not like surprises. There is something about training a person from an early age to be a killing machine that inevitably leaves them with a "stab first, ask questions later" philosophy in the face of the unexpected. In fact, the Uchiha clan massacre actually began as an attempt to give Uchiha Itachi a surprise birthday party.

While cleaning up the bloody aftermath, it was discovered that they'd also gotten him socks. Whether this was a contributing factor or not is still unknown.

But really. Socks.

At any rate, those with sense usually politely refrain from startling ninja in much the same way as a person with an undeclawed cat curled on their lap might refrain from any sudden movements that could encourage the cat to improve its traction.

…but as the poets have generally implied, sense and love are often mutually exclusive. And sense and the random bouts of infatuation that seem to run pandemic amongst the population of Konoha wouldn't know each other if Sense became a missing nin that had to be hunted down by Random Infatuation, dragged into a dark alley, and unceremoniously garroted.

(Ninja metaphors tend to be a bit heavy on the bloodshed.)

* * *

Kakashi's day was not going well. He'd awoken to find more letters than he'd gotten in the past decade spilled on his floor through the mail slot.

Some of them were pink.

He hadn't actually opened them. Kakashi hadn't made much of a habit of opening his mail in the past and this definitely seemed the wrong time to start. He'd have burned them, except that his rather sensitive nose had quickly noted that at least one of them was rather heavily perfumed and thus was probably dangerously flammable.

So he settled for double-bagging them in plastic trash bags.

When he'd then gone to throw the bag in the dumpster in back he'd been alarmed to find two bouquets of flowers and a few other less identifiable packages on his front step.

At this rate, he was going to need more trash bags.

He started off towards the memorial stone, bags slung over his back, only to find that the whole town seemed to have experienced a rain of pink flyers overnight. Okay, change of plan. And because Hatake Kakashi was, after all, a genius at strategy, it took only seconds for him to create a new one.

First, dump the bags. Second: visit the memorial stone, say hello to Obito, explain to him that he couldn't stay very long today… Obito, having never reached puberty, would still have thought girls were icky, so he'd probably understand having to flee them. Then assign Team Seven to flyer cleanup duty until further notice.

Then… he'd try to talk to Gai again.

The problem was that while Kakashi could out-smell Gai, out-plan Gai, out-quiet Gai, and on a good day with a decent tailwind out-run Gai, he couldn't out-talk Gai. For volume, duration, words of at least three syllables, and sheer DETERMINATION, Gai's vocal chords won hands down.

But then, Gai PRACTICED a lot more.

(Kakashi also couldn't out-GREEN Gai, but then, no one could. And that's probably for the best.)

* * *

"So… what do you think he looks like under the mask?"

Iruka looked up from the papers he was grading. Usually he had today off, but Michiko-san was ill and he'd been asked to fill in for her. The mission desk was quiet enough though, that he'd been able to bring in a stack of essays to work on.

Unfortunately, the mission room being quiet meant that everyone there had nothing better to do than discuss the latest village gossip… which just happened to be Sharingan Kakashi.

"It's not his mask I'm interested in getting under." Winks, nudges, knowing looks, and varying degrees of chuckles were exchanged.

Iruka looked back down at the essay again. He recognized that they were about to start on another game of "speculate about various parts of Hatake Kakashi's anatomy," complete with a lot of hand gestures, and really, it had only been funny the first couple of times.

It was as though a concealment jutsu had just been dispelled. After all, it wasn't as though the jounin hadn't lived in this village for the past twenty-odd years. Kakashi's shock of hair and even more shocking orange book were a familiar sight in Konoha, usually glimpsed in passing or out of the corner of your eye. If you turned to look back, he usually wasn't there. Kakashi-san, for all his notoriety, had been surprisingly anonymous. Iruka had known next to nothing about him before his students had ended up on Kakashi's team, and even now what little he did know was filtered through Naruto's stories.

But now… Maito Gai's flyers had made the village _aware_ of Kakashi. And like an optics trick, once you'd noticed he was there you couldn't _not_ notice him again.

And now that Kakashi-san's love life had been brought to everyone's attention, people noticed that too. Several men and women had already confessed their undying love for the jounin, with varying degrees of seriousness. And earlier, someone had actually tried to bribe Iruka to pass Kakashi-san a love note along with the scroll for whatever his next mission was.

And the speculation... Because ninja know that information can mean the difference between life or death, they all tend to be horrid gossips. So Iruka had already been asked his opinion on what Kakashi looked like under the mask, if Kakashi liked men, if Kakashi liked women, what he thought Kakashi found attractive, why Kakashi was single, if Kakashi's obsession with porn was a sign that he was good in bed or a sign that he was still probably a virgin…

Frankly, Iruka was getting just a little sick of Hatake Kakashi.

And he still hadn't even actually met the man.

* * *

A/N: Happy (Belated) Birthday to Bite! This chapter is dedicated to her.

And thanks to last chapter's reviewers: Rabid (Winter is the WinterOfOurDiscontent, of course ;) ...ask me about summer), Smoking Panda, Azamiko, Dark Closure, snow887, Polka Dot, diamond, Shellyraeleen, Nanashi Ni, ruka-kun, dyingstarelipsis, SilverCrystal9, Nissie, SeaGoatsUnite, Redex, firedraygon, Caleuche, Kutsu, Elecia Pena, shinycry, RukaIayLomperGay, Insane Chipmunk, Puppylove, sleepdoesnothingforyou, El Conejo Morado, Scoodoo58, CuriousDreamWeaver, DragonSteel, AMie, kaitou-marron, GoldenRat, YumiAngel, Mariemaia1, and Wolfkun.


	4. Escape Attempts

It was a good day to be Maito Gai.

Well, as far as he was concerned, there was never a bad day to be Maito Gai, but even Konoha's Emerald Beast would admit that some days were better than others.

…but TODAY. Today, truly, was a day Bright and Shining with Possibilities. For Today, perhaps, he would Succeed in his Mission to find his Noble Rival a Special Someone, thus finally Freeing Himself to do likewise. And Maito Gai was comfortable enough with his Manliness to admit that the thought of holding his child in his arms, wearing a tiny green jumpsuit, was enough to bring a tear to his eye.

Just the other day he'd noticed what an Attractive Young Woman was working at a nearby Food Establishment. Surely it was a Sign that she'd given him an extra slice of pork in his ramen. But before he could court this Fair and Virtuous Maid… ah, if only his Rival Kakashi had not devoted so much of his time to mastering his Ninja Arts so that he could Keep Up with Gai, as to have forgotten the development of his People Skills.

In contrast, Gai's People Skills were as Mighty as his admittedly Mighty Physique. With only a Smile and a Thumbs Up, most people jumped over themselves to do exactly what he'd asked as quickly as Humanly Possible. Why, stores and restaurants often insisted on Serving Him First so that he could Resume his Ninja Duties and Return to Guarding Konoha Immediately. Truly, he was blessed to live among such Dedicated Persons.

And speaking of Dedicated Persons, here was his Eternal Rival now! Gai paused from the Words of Inspiration he was sharing with his team.

"Kakashi-sensei! Alas, you have missed the first half of my Stirring Speech. But you are still in time for the Second Half!" Gai gave him Smile and Thumbs Up number Six. To the untrained observer, it strongly resembled Smile and Thumbs Up numbers Fifteen and Twenty-two, but he knew Kakashi would appreciate the Subtle Nuances distinguishing them.

"Ahh, Gai-sensei… could I have a word with you in private?" His rival's mien looked serious, and even his hair seemed to be drooping slightly more than usual.

Gai suddenly realized what This must be about, and his heart swelled with caring for his unsophisticated yet deadly rival. "Of course. My youthful team, Attend to Your Training with Diligence until my Swift Return!" They received Smile and Thumbs Up number Four, which was, of course, completely different.

After transporting themselves a few hundred yards away to a small clearing, Gai allowed his expression to sober.

"I am deeply honoured that you have come to me once again in your time of Need, Kakashi. For just as I have sworn to find you a Partner, so it is only fitting that I Aid you in This as well." Gai paused to draw a breath.

His Rival's visible eye had widened noticeably, the better to take in the Vital Information about to be Imparted. "Gai, actually I…"

"You see, when a Man and a Woman Care for Each Other Very Much…"

"Gai, no! It's not…"

Gai's eyes once more Lit with Understanding. "Of course, Kakashi-sensei. I am a Liberated Jounin of Konoha. You see, when two Men Love Each Other Very Much…"

* * *

Somewhere, deep in the depths of the Hokage's offices, there is a room that only very high level nin are allowed in. It contains village secrets that must never see the light of day, records of vital missions now lost to history, and scrolls of forbidden techniques.

Somewhere in there, there must be a jutsu that would allow Kakashi to irrevocably erase the last hour from his memory. And while it might cost him his life to obtain such a scroll, the price seemed cheap indeed.

Alternately, he could get blind, stinking drunk. But then he still might eventually sober up and remember the bit where, after his continued protests, Gai had once again felt the need to show what a liberated jounin he was by explaining what happened when two men and a woman loved each other very much, and what happened when a man and a sheep loved each other a little too much.

No. Risk of being killed by hunter nin aside, the forbidden amnesia jutsu was definitely a better bet.

Stupid Gai.

Okay, maybe he could get an away mission. But that meant going to the missions room, which meant going through the heart of Konoha…

This called for subterfuge.

* * *

A disreputable looking grey tomcat slipped into the mission room just before the door closed on an exiting chuunin. Iruka wouldn't have noticed except that… well, it was really _boring_ in there today… and he liked cats.

He definitely noticed a second later when the cat vanished and in its place was the infamous Copy Nin Kakashi. But everyone noticed that.

You could tell because of the sudden silence in the room. And no one does silent like a room full of ninja. It was a silence so dead, you could smell the blood.

(…we did mention the rather violent nature of ninja metaphors earlier, didn't we?)

If Kakashi noticed it too… and how could he not… he gave no sign. Instead, he pulled out a well-worn orange book, and, looking down, made his way along a path that had miraculously opened up down the centre of the room to the desk.

"Yo."

"Good evening, jounin-san." Iruka's heart rate may have just increased out of sheer nervousness, but he was damned if he'd let it show. "How may I help you?"

The room held its collective breath.

"I was wondering what missions were available."

"Err…" _Calm down, it's not as though he's even looking at you…_ Iruka busied himself flipping through files. "For your team or an individual mission?"

"Individual. Preferably an A rank."

"I see." And he did. An A rank would guarantee at least a week in the field. And now that he was this close to the copy nin, he could see Kakashi-san's visible eye was looking slightly bloodshot and tired. "I'm sorry, jounin-san, but all of our current A rank and S rank missions have been assigned."

"Oh."

"We do have several C rank bodyguarding missions that have just come in." Of course, they were all in Konoha, and all had specifically requested Kakashi…

"Ahh… no, that won't be necessary. I'll just get back to training my team, then. Thank you for your help… Iruka-sensei."

"A good day to you, Kakashi-san."

They bowed politely to each other, then Kakashi turned and walked away, pausing at the door to vanish in a puff of smoke.

A grey tomcat sauntered out of the mission room.

A few seconds later… just enough time for the room to collectively refill its lungs from the breath it had been holding… and some of the room had started looking distinctly blue tinged… the room exploded with voices. Speculation on what had just happened, what it meant, how Kakashi was looking…

For the love of… Iruka refrained from banging his head against the desk through sheer force of will.

* * *

Happy Miscellaneous to you! And to me. I got fanart!

To see Gabrielchaos' inspired interpretation of the Uchiha massacre, check out www dot livejournal dot com slash users slash gabriel underscore chaos slash 2005 slash 11 slash 21 slash

This chapter is dedicated to Kiks, who is my Gai beta.

And as always, a giant thank you to everyone who has taken the time to review. It means the world to me.


	5. Decisions

Shit shit _shit._

Okay. Missions were out. Trying to talk sense into Gai was out. Living his life as a cat was considered, then ruled out on account of hairballs.

So what was left?

…Gai wouldn't leave him alone until he found someone. So… he'd have to find someone. Not for real, of course… but if he could convince someone to _pretend_ to be involved with him… that would get Gai off his back and hopefully persuade all those crazies pursuing him to back off too.

Okay. So what was he looking for in a fake date?

… considering the…earnestness of some of his admirers, it would probably be safer if the other person was a ninja. Besides, who else but another ninja could put up with him for any length of time?

Hm.…other _person_… it didn't matter too much to Kakashi personally if it was a guy or a girl, he'd been attracted to both. When you go through that much porn it was simpler to be equal opportunity about it. But… if it was a woman, Gai would be pestering him to start planning the wedding… or, gods forbid, asking when they were going to have _kids_…

Right. A guy it would be.

So. Male shinobi. This being a ninja village, that still left a decent pool of candidates. They'd have to be at least chuunin level. He taught genin, so anyone of that rank seemed… phenomenally young. And just… ew. _Ew_.

No one in ANBU, of course… and jounin… man, jounin were _crazy_. Just look at Gai. Or Genma. Or _Ebisu_.

Hell, Kakashi was probably the only sane one in the bunch.

…

Anyway.

A male chuunin, then?

…waitaminute… that guy who sometimes manned the mission desks… the one who taught at the academy… Iruka-sensei.

He was the right age, the right rank… and easy on the eyes, which Kakashi certainly had no objection to. More importantly, teaching at the academy argued well-nigh infinite patience. Kakashi hadn't had any serious relationships, but logic argued that anyone dating him (or even pretending to) would need that quality in spades.

Now to blackmail…. that is, _convince_ Iruka to help him out. And he was pretty sure he knew exactly how he could do it…

* * *

__

I know, I know, it's short, I'm horrible, but I really wanted to post something for Valentine's Day. Which I, for one, will be celebrating by reading KakaIru smut doujinshi. (I'm a hopeless romantic that way.)

This chapter is dedicated to the members of the ScarletSpiral RP, especially Hinaku.


	6. Meetings

Iruka had a sense of foreboding all day. Well, it was either foreboding or mild indigestion, ninja suffered from both on a regular enough basis, making it easy to get them confused. After all, both involved an uneasy feeling in one's stomach and the knowledge that unpleasantness lay ahead.

…like the fact that treating Naruto to dinner again would mean foregoing lunch for the rest of the week.

"…an' we've been stuck on poster duty ALL week! I'm starting to miss walking dogs!" Naruto complained, midway between his second and third bowl.

"Poster duty?" Iruka asked, confused. He was still on his first bowl.

"That's what Sasuke-bastard calls it." Naruto paused to inhale a third of the noodles. "Basically, we take down the posters, an' then Fuzzy Brows' team puts 'em back up, and then we take 'em down…"

This was getting ridiculous.

"We haven't even SEEN Kakashi-sensei for a week, he just sent one of his dogs to tell us to keep takin' 'em down, 'cause the one time he did show up this crowd of people showed up too, and they were SCARY, so he went 'Poof' an' got away, and eventually they got sick of waiting around for him to come back an' they left." The rest of the noodles vanished. "An' then Sasuke-bastard smirked and said something about it bein' nice to see someone else have to deal with idiot fangirls. And then Sakura-chan said how he didn't mean her, of course, an' he said she was annoying and I told her she should go out with me 'cause he's such a bastard, and that's how I got the black eye…"

Well, it was nice to see some things remained constant.

Still… apparently the entire village was going insane. More than usual. This was like that time someone in R&D had accidentally released that experimental compound into the groundwater… but he was sworn to never speak of that week again.

* * *

The night was comfortably cool with a light breeze, so Iruka opened the windows when he got home. Luckily it was a little too early in the year to worry about bugs yet. He then made himself comfortable on the couch with a book and a mug of tea and settled in for a nice quiet evening that had nothing to do with Hatake "Apparently too sexy for my own good" Kakashi.

And when the cat rubbed against his legs, he thought nothing of setting his cup on the floor so it could curl up next to him.

Then he remembered that he did not, in fact, have a cat.

Iruka jumped up, managing to both not spill his almost empty teacup or disturb the cat, who merely looked up at him with sleepy mismatched eyes.

"Kakashi! Drop that henge immediately!"

Suddenly, instead of a grey cat filling a small section of the couch, a jounin lay sprawled out over the entire length of the sofa.

"Yo."

"Kaka.." and then Iruka remembered that in light of recent events it was probably a bad idea to yell 'Kakashi' anywhere in the village, and lowered his voice so that the neighbors couldn't hear. "Kakashi-sensei. What the hell are you doing in my house at this hour, and why the hell were you curled up on my sofa as a cat?"

Kakashi looked far too relaxed, laying there on_ his_ sofa. "Well, one…" he held up a finger, "I needed to talk to you in private. And two…" he held up another finger. Since he was still horizontal, the fingers were parallel to the floor. "Your couch is very comfortable."

Iruka took a deep breath. "Move over." He waited until Kakashi sat up and moved over to the left of the couch, then sat down on the right. "What did you need to see me about, Kakashi-sensei?"

"Maa… I need to ask you for a favour."

"Oh?" Iruka couldn't have been more surprised.

"I need you to pretend to be dating me."

No, no, wait, he could be.

"…what?"

"I need you to pretend to date me. So Gai'll get off my back. And the… others'll leave me alone."

"I…see…" Iruka said, thoughtful.

"Please? You have to help me. I can't do my job, and I can't train my team, and the flyers…" Kakashi shuddered, a light ripple passing through his frame. "I just want to be left alone." He looked at Iruka, a pleading expression in his visible eye.

"Okay."

"That's all?" Kakashi asked, surprised. "I don't have to use my line about it being for the good of Konoha?"

"Well, if it'd make you feel better, go ahead."

"You'd be doing me… it… for the good of Konoha."

"Better?" Iruka said, having waited half a minute to make sure that that was, in fact, the entirety of the line.

"Yeah, thanks." Kakashi looked as though a giant load had been lifted from him. His shoulders bent from their 'carrying heavy psychological burden' position back into his usual 'nonchalant slouch' position. "Seriously, though, you sure?"

"Are you trying to talk me out of it now?" Iruka asked, crossing his arms. "You're right, you can't teach Team Seven if this keeps up, and it's been hell at the mission room lately dealing with your admirers. If this will help things get back to normal in Konoha I'm all for it."

"Oh. Well then. Okay." Kakashi seemed slightly dazed and more than a little uncomfortable now that that was settled. "Well, it should only be for a little while, anyway." He said, as much to himself as to Iruka.

"But won't everything start back up once Gai finds out you're single again?"

"I'm hoping that if we wait 'til Gai has found someone, she'll be keeping him busy enough that he won't have time to bother with me again."

"So it'll just be until Gai finds someone." Iruka nodded. "Alright. Show up after the academy gets out tomorrow and we'll discuss details. Right now I've got a headache."

"So soon in our relationship and you're already getting headaches at night, Iruka-sensei?" Kakashi asked with a hint of teasing, acting much more like what seemed to be his usual self.

Iruka gave him a Look. "Good_night_, Kakashi-sensei."

* * *

AN: Apparently writing that last chapter (and getting those lovely reviews) got the muses working again… love to all my readers.

This chapter is dedicated to all those with whom I have Fangirled in the Night.


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